Jean's Birthday
by Icee Suicune
Summary: Jean has a birthday. You should probably not take this seriously.


Overall, Jean was having a pretty shitty birthday.

Training had really kicked his ass. The sun was blazing overhead, and hand-to-hand combat practice hurt _and_ smelled pretty terrible. His usual partner, Marco, had disappeared to God knows where, so Jean was stuck with the dynamic duo of idiots Connie and Sasha.

The entire time they practiced, Connie and Sasha had spoken in hushed voices. Their dumb ninja poses and general antics were really pissing Jean off. Sasha had complained about not getting leftovers at lunch for the fourth time in a row, and Jean had decided he was 100% done with them.

"Gosh darn it, you two." Jean complained. "I'm done. I'm so done." Jean started to walk away and Sasha had tried to stop him, but Connie held her back.

"Nah, man. Let him go." Connie said. They watched as Jean stormed off and tried to go back to the dorms.

To his surprise, that dumb bastard Eren and his dumb friend Armin were cutting training. Actually that wasn't really a surprise on Armin's half. But Eren seemed kinda pissed that he was there and not training and that made Jean really happy. Armin noticed that Jean had approached the dorm and he kind of freaked out a little bit.

"Oh, hey Jean, what's up?" Armin asked.

"I'm gonna sleep. Can you get outta my way?"

"Nope." Eren said.

"And why not?" Jean demanded. But before he could get an answer, the door slammed open and Reiner and Bertholdt fell out. Reiner was sitting on top of the taller guy's shoulders.

"Hey, Jean," Bertholdt squeaked.

"What the hell are you two doing?" Jean sighed.

"N-nothing that two dudes wouldn't normally do, that's for sure." Reiner said. Bertholdt was kinda on top of his crotch, so he shoved him off.

"Oh my god." Jean said.

"Oh, my god." Armin facepalmed himself. "Real cool, guys. Nice cover."

At that point Eren was almost vibrating because of his lack of training. Jean thought he was gonna explode. That was an awesome thought.

"Armin let me leave Reiner and Bert are done and you promised that when the decorating-"

Armin dove for Eren and covered his mouth.

"No don't say the D word!" he shrieked.

Eren rolled over on Armin and pinned him down. "You're not putting up much of a fight!"

Jean had enough of this. He decided not to sleep and he thought he could sneak off into the mess hall and get some food. As he approached the building he noticed a couple girls. Wow, bonus, because one of the girls was Mikasa. Jean tried to channel his inner Casanova and smoothed his hair back like a huge fricking tool. He sauntered up to Mikasa and tried to smile all cool-like.

"Hey, Mikasa." So cool.

"Go away," Mikasa said. "We are busy."

Jean frowned. "Are you for real?"

Annie, the other chick, flipped her bangs like an anime character.

"Yeah. Ymir and Christa are busy."

"Busy, huh?" Jean asked.

"Yeah. Busy." she stared at him. Her eyes were scary. When they made eye contact, Jean felt violated.

"So please leave." Mikasa repeated.

"Wow ok cool." Jean was ready to ollie outta there anyway. That Annie chick really ruined the mood.

So our hero wandered around. Training was done so he didn't have that to worry about. Jean decided to go chill out by this tree he found. It was pretty big and was really shady and it was a good spot to think or talk to a friend. Speaking of friend, Jean wondered where the heck Marco had gone. For some odd reason he was really excited for Jean's birthday, so it didn't make much sense that he had just disappeared.

Oh well. Marco could be a weenie if he wanted to be. Jean yawned and got comfy with the tree. Jean actually preferred the tree to most human interaction at this point. His eyelids grew heavy and he drifted off to sleep.

"Jean! Hey, Jean!"

Jean woke up when someone had decided to shake him violently. He swatted at the pair of hands assaulting him.

"What the hell do you want?" Jean hissed.

"Wake up sleepyhead!" his attacker laughed.

Jean sat up and blinked to clear his vision. Soon he recognized a stupid familiar face with lots of freckles.

"Jesus, Marco, what are you doing?" Jean said.

Marco was crouching at Jean's side, leaning right over him. It was very annoying.

"Well," Marco said. "I tried to wake you up. And it worked!"

"Well yeah I know that." Jean grumbled. "But what did you want with me?"

"Since it's your birthday, I thought I should do something for you." Marco smiled. He stood up and held his hand out to Jean.

Jean grabbed his hand hand hoisted himself up. Marco still held on to his hand and tried to lead him away.

"Anyway, I planned out something kinda cool. You'll probably like it. I hope." Marco said. Jean kinda just allowed Marco to drag him around. And he was A-OK with that. P.S. Jean thought Marco's hands were soft. No homo.

The dynamic duo soon ended up at the dorms.

"What kind of sick things do you have planned Marco?!" Jean asked because what kind of 'cool things' happened at a frickin dorm?

Marco got all nervous and he was like "No Jean nothing bad! I mean other people are in there too I'm not gonna do anything gross!"

"Calm down dude," Jean said. Marco was like ok whatever and opened the door. It was very dark inside except for a few candles. Jean was very suspicious.

"Okay are you sure that you're not trying to get into my pants because-"

"Surprise!"

Jean almost peed himself when everyone (ok no everyone but there were at least 6 people) jumped up and threw confetti and turned on the lights all at the same time.

"Happy birthday, Jean!" Marco laughed and pushed him further in.

Inside, tables were set up. There was a table with food. Sasha grabbed Jean's sleeve and pulled him over to the food table. There were half loaves of bread and old apples and this really shitty piles of something with candles sticking out of it.

"Hurry and get your food Jean! They said I can't eat until you do, so hurry!"

"I don't wanna eat any of this shit!" Jean said. He pointed at the suspicious pile. "Especially not that!"

Jean heard sniffling. He turned around and saw a teary eyed Christa.

"B-but… we all saved leftovers for today… And Ymir and I tried to make you a cake…"

Another terrifying shadowy figure popped up behind Christa.

"Yeah, shithead. Eat the damn food before I shove it up your ass." Turns out Ymir was very pissed that Jean made Christa cry. So since he valued his life, Jean grabbed a lil bit of food and ran away.

Jean stood by a wall and swallowed down some suspicious cake. It was terrible. He wanted to die.

"So, Jean. Do you like the decorations?"

Reiner had popped up and looked very proud of himself for some reason. The decorations was like, four pieces of paper taped to the ceiling. It looked pretty lame.

"Bertholdt helped. And you had better answer wisely. We worked really. Hard. Together."

Jean was very creeped out. "Well, I can tell you two worked really hard on something."

Reiner apparently liked that answer because he laughed pretty hard and slapped him on the back and walked away.

Jean sighed. Damn it, Marco! Why did he have to do this?

As Jean struggled with his emotional turmoil, he heard some very heavy footsteps and some swear words.

"Hurry up and say it so you can be done."

"Come on, Eren!"

Jean looked up and saw Armin and Mikasa holding back a struggling Eren.

"Jean!" Armin said. "Eren has something he wants to tell you-"

"I don't want to tell him shit!" Eren hissed. "Marco was the one who-"

"Eren." Mikasa twisted his arm and Eren cried like a newborn baby girl.

"Ahh! Ok, ok! Fine!" Eren cried. "J-Jean."

"What is it, Eren?"

"...happybirthday." It was rushed and very mumbled, but he still said it.

"What was that? I couldn't quite hear that."

"I said happy birthday you shitty loser!" Eren screamed.

"Ah. Thank you very much."

Mikasa and Armin herded Eren away.

That was amazing. Tears formed in Jean's eyes.

Marco showed up again and leaned against the wall next to Jean. "Are you enjoying your birthday?"

"Well, after seeing Eren yes. Yes I am. But everything else sort of sucks."

Marco frowned. "Oh. Sorry you're not having a good time. But there's one thing left you might like!"

Marco went over to the table and pushed away some of the shitty food and returned with a crumpled up stained card thing.

"We couldn't really get you a gift, so we all wrote a card for you!" Marco smiled and presented Jean with the present. Card.

"Oh gee thanks." Jean really didn't want a card but w/e.

He opened it up and read some testimonials from his 'friends'.

"Dear Jean, lose the haircut you look retarded." - Eren

"Happy birthday! Gotta celebrate now because you'll most likely die before your next one! And actually, most of your friends might be too… Anyway have a good one!" - Sasha

Jean didn't want to read the rest of them.

But since Marco put a lot of effort into this project, maybe he had written something sort of decent.

"Dear Jean, Thanks for being my friend! Seriously, you have made this training so much more fun! I really value our friendship and you're really cool and-"

Ok Jean had enough of the gay vomit Marco produced. But out of what he did read, he found Marco's words pretty heartwarming.

"Wow, do you really mean what you wrote?" Jean asked.

"Of course! Well, not the part about touching your hair when you sleep. Haha. That was a joke." Marco laughed nervously.

Wow, what a nice act of friendship. Jean had never had a friend who had done something this nice for him before.

Jean grabbed freckled Jesus and gave him a big hug in front of everyone.

"Thank you, Marco." Jean said. He had tears in his eyes and he felt really gay but who cares.

"Any time, pal!" Marco hugged him back. His hands were dangerously close to his butt. But Jean did not care. He learned the true power of friendship. Everyone laughed and ate more suspicious cake and got food poisoning and died.

The End!


End file.
